I’ve been in a 3-year relationship but my head is starting to turn…

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“I’m in a long-distance relationship of three years but I met this gorgeous, intelligent, respectful guy last weekend. He asked for my number and I told him I had a boyfriend but I’d take his number. I texted him later, but he doesn’t seem much of a texter. He invited me over to his apartment one night but I couldn’t make it. The thing is I’m very interested in getting to know him, but I feel like he may not be as interested as he was when he first met me. I know I have a boyfriend (and I was up front with him on that), but I want to meet new people and make new friends. Should I come to the realization that he’s just not that into me?  What should I do?”

To answer your question bluntly, yes, you should assume he’s just not that into you.  If a guy likes a girl, he will pursue her.  He will call you, get to know you, and ask you out on a date.  You deserve nothing less than that.  You do not need to initiate text conversation or hangouts.  If he is interested, he will.  When you take the initiative it allows him to be lazy and you take the leadership reigns of the relationship.  Delete this guy’s number from your phone and move on.

Now, I can’t stop here.  There are several other things we need to discuss.

1. Do not, ever, under any circumstances, go over to a random guys apartment that you don’t know from Adam. I don’t care if he seems like a good guy via your facebook stalking.  You just met him and honestly know NOTHING about him.  It is so not safe for you to go over to his apartment alone.  I’m not saying that all guys you meet while out on a Friday night are evil, but you have to be smart.  My friend, Lisa, met her husband while out one weekend night with friends and he’s an amazing guy.  But I assure you, she did not go over to his apartment alone until well into their dating and getting to know one another.  She met him in public places, went out with groups of friends, etc.  If a guy you don’t know well asks you to come over to his house and you want to get to know him, just tell him you’ll meet him out somewhere. You pick the place.  You need to be in control of your safety.

2. Why did you text him in the first place?  It seems to me that maybe you’re not as invested in this long-distance relationship as you once were.  And listen to me, I am not trying to shame you.  It’s okay if you’ve decided you want to date other guys and want to let go of this 3-year boyfriend.  BUT you need to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend if that’s the case.  Even though you were “up front” with this random Joe, you shouldn’t be even taking another guy’s number if you’re in a committed relationship.

3. I know you want to meet new people and make new friends, but if you are in a serious, committed relationship, the new friends you pursue shouldn’t be guys.  My mom used to tell me this all the time and I hated it.  I love having guy-friends and when I was younger, I very much preferred guy-friends over girl-friends.  They are way more low maintenance, no drama, and just fun.  But when you are in a serious relationship, it’s not appropriate for you to be pursuing a deep friendship with a guy that’s not your boyfriend.  How would you feel if your boyfriend was calling/texting another girl–even if it was “just to have a new friend.”  It doesn’t sit right with you, does it?  It may seem dramatic for me to say that, but the point is that when you are in a serious dating relationship you are forming habits that will carry on into a marriage.  And it is absolutely, not okay, for a married man or woman, to have deep, close friendships with people of the opposite sex outside of their marriage.  That is a recipe for an affair.  And trust, me, I’ve seen this happen first hand.

The bottom line for you, I want you to forget this random guy.  Seriously, delete his number from your phone.  He’s not pursuing you, so he’s not interested.  Then I want you to take a good long look at your 3-year relationship and decide if it’s something you want to continue to invest in, or if it’s time to have a conversation with your boyfriend about breaking up.  And, finally, if you are craving some new friendships, I want you to focus on finding great female friends.  Of course it’s okay to have guy-friends, but if you’re feeling a need for deep relationships, you need to find that with some other girls first and foremost.  You can’t look to having a guy-friend meet those needs for you.  But that is another post for another day.

What do y’all think?  Any other thoughts or advice for our friend?  Don’t forget to email your own questions here

One thought on “I’ve been in a 3-year relationship but my head is starting to turn…

  1. I so wish you had lived next door to me in New Dorm at Ole Miss in 1984. Life would have been different. Better. I would have had less trouble. Love that you are speaking truth.

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