Say yes.

o-FIRST-DATE-facebook

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shortly after graduating from college, I began to experience the epidemic known as “I kissed dating goodbye.”

It’s not that I, individually, kissed dating goodbye.  I definitely didn’t want to kiss dating goodbye, but it seemed like all my friends had.  Guys weren’t asking girls out on dates.  They still don’t for the most part.

My girlfriends and I would sit around complaining about how all our single guy friends were pansies due to their lack of asking girls out.

Then one day, not unlike so many other days when we gathered together and gabbed about our lame guy friends, one of our friends announced she had been asked out on a date!

“HURRAY!”  We all cheered! “Finally a guy who GETS IT!”

Then, to our dismay, we learned she had politely turned him down. WHAT?!

She “just wasn’t attracted to him,” she explained.  Some of us nodded understandingly, others of us looked at her in disgust.  I’m sure as you read this, you fall into one of those two categories.  We’ll get to that in a moment.

A few weeks go by, the same girlfriends gather, the same conversation comes up, and my friend– who had just been asked out– jumps right back into the conversation and complains about guys not asking girls out, and that’s when I decided,

If a guy asks you out on a date, say yes.

Barring he’s an axe-murderer, total jerk, man-whore, or something truly unacceptable– if a guy drums up enough courage to ask you out, you should say yes.

Otherwise, you lose all right to ever complain that guys don’t ask girls out.  But what’s worse is that when you turn a guy down for a lame-reason (i.e. “not attracted to him”) you are only further perpetuating the problem.  One of the reasons guys don’t ask girls out on dates is because they’re scared of rejection. When you say no, you are just reinforcing that fear!

I know some of you are thinking it’s a perfectly valid reason to turn a guy down if you aren’t attracted to him. Or because he’s “just friend” material, or you really don’t have chemistry with him, or he dated your friend, or he stands weird (to get technical “his knees bend backwards” yes that is real), or he’s a waiter at Applebees, or… you know what I’m talking about.

Whatever valid reason you think you have, that guy is a human, just like you.  How would you feel if the roles were reversed?  I’m sure guys haven’t asked me out before because I was too tall, not skinny enough, my front teeth are large, I’m too opinionated, I walk weird… I could go on. If we heard a guy say any of those things about a girlfriend we would be LIVID.  Instead, those are somehow valid excuses for turning down a brother!

It’s time to end the double standard.

You want to be asked out? Then say yes when you’re asked.

“But I’d be leading him on!” some of you would object.  You’re right.  If you’ve made up in your mind that there is 100% no way ever that you would go out on a second date with him, then yes– you are wasting his time.  But that’s where I want to plead with you, say yes to him and be open to it.  Be open to having fun.  Be open to laughing.  Be open to making a new friend. Be open to enjoying yourself.  Be open to saying yes to another date with him if you both enjoyed the conversation and company.

Say yes and be open. 

For every love-at-first sight stories there are, I can find you twice as many “s/he grew on me” stories. Love, chemistry, connection, attraction– it all grows.  I will argue that side until the day I die.  I am more attracted to and love my husband a thousand times more than the day I met him; I am more attracted to him and love him more than I did on our wedding day.  Every day it grows.

So quit turning good guys down when they ask you out.  Say yes and be open to having a good time.

18 thoughts on “Say yes.

  1. Hanna is right on! Always be glad to make a new friend – you don’t have to marry the man after one date! You never know who he might introduce you to OR who you know that might be perfect for him! God could be using your date with this man to pave the way for one of your dear girlfriends to find her husband! Also, as my mother always reminded me, KEEP IT LIGHT! A first date should be purely “get to know you” conversation with no strings either way. Have Fun & Happy Dating!

    1. YES on keeping it light. Was thinking about that for another blog post. 🙂 And totally agree on the “who you know that might be perfect for him”. I have a friend who just did that. She went out on a couple dates with a guy and then set him up with her friend. 🙂

  2. I absolutely disagree. I have always been of the mentality that “a girl’s gotta eat.” But after dating guy after guy who asked me out – that i intended to just be open to because I made the exact same excuses you are encouraging women to make in your blog – I ended up wasting my time, not listening to God, and basically making it clear I would go out with whomever because I had no self respect and just wanted a free meal. While I think you are right that women shouldn’t be so quick to turn a guy down based off lack of attraction (I believe chemistry can come), I don’t think it is wise to encourage women to say yes to every tom dick and harry who shows interest. Women should be encouraged to know themselves and to know what they are looking for so as not to waste their time OR the guy’s time that asked them out. I don’t believe in dating just to date – if you need a hobby, there are other ways to spend your time than serial dating everyone who musters the courage to ask you out. Too much emphasis is put on having a boyfriend and not being worth anything unless you have a man by your side, and sadly, your blog perpetuates that thought. I am happily married to the guy I had been searching for for years, but I didn’t find him by saying yes to everyone. I found him by taking a break, listening to my heart, and learning what really was important to me. Saying yes is ok, but saying yes and wasting everyone’s time and leading people on is not ok.

    1. I totally get what you’re saying and I in NO WAY am trying to communicate you always need a boyfriend. In fact, i don’t think dating should be about having a boyfriend! I think most of the time, you can say yes– and then know within 3 dates whether or not that relationship is worth pursuing. My “say yes” rule is about being open to getting to know someone, not continuing to say yes just because and ending up with boyfriends you shouldn’t be dating.

      I also think it’s important to “say yes” in order to date lots of different guys, because many girls (me included) think they know the right type of guy for themselves, but they are wrong. That’s my story. I only said “yes” to “my type” for years. I said no to a lot of other guys. I kept dating the wrong guy. It took me saying “yes” to lots of guys, to see that God had a very different guy in mind for me than I did. The only reason my husband got a first date with me was because of my “say yes” rule. I wasn’t attracted to him and could tell he wasn’t my “personality type” either. But by saying yes, I got to know him, and eventually (and that “eventually” is a much longer story than I’ll write now) realized he was God’s man for me!

  3. Hanna, I wondered what your husband thought about your post (if he read it)… I’ve heard both sides of the debate from women and could rationalize either way… wondered if a man had a different perspective…

    1. He STRONGLY agrees. In fact, he’s a little more intense about it than I am. And that’s our story! The only reason my husband got a first date with me was because of my “say yes” rule. He’s thankful that I chose to get to know him. 😉 Maybe I’ll have him guest blog about this someday. He has a lot to say!

  4. I totally agree with this! There was a married couple on staff with the college ministry I was involved with in college and the husband always said the same things that you wrote in your post… That if the guy is a Christian and has the courage to ask you out that you should go on at least one day with him. One of my good guy friends who I didn’t have any romantic attraction to asked me on a date and I remembered his advice so said “yes”. Best advice ever… We’ve been married for three years now! Gods plans are always best and sometimes surprising to us 🙂

  5. My policy is to give every guy (unless there’s some maaajor red flag up front) at least one date. If the first date isn’t a horrible disaster, he gets three. After three, if I’m really just not feeling it, I generally reassess. The problem I run into is guys just don’t seem to be very willing to even ask. But maybe that’s because they’ve gotten so many ‘nos’ in the past!

    1. Sarah that was EXACTLY my policy. So funny! And yes, i think guys don’t ask out for a myriad of reasons. It can be frustrating but the good news is that God is in control and the “right” one will ask! 😉 As my college snall group leader used to say, “it just takes one!”

  6. Is it really caring about a man’s self-worth if we lie to his face? My husband of almost 15 years strongly disagrees. Men are made to pursue. They’re made to fight for what they want, and we women are made to be fought for. Back in the day when dating was a nonexistent ritual and people courted, men had to dig in their heels and pursue a woman they were interested in even when she repeatedly – because it was considered proper etiquette to do so – refused his advances, and her father or other male guardian continually made him jump through proverbial hoops to prove his worth. We as Christian women aren’t doing our “brothers” any favors by saying “yes” when in our hearts we mean “no.” We’re confusing them. And for what? So that we can “have fun?” Laugh? Make a friend? Men do not ask women out to make friends. They ask women out because they are designed to want more than friendship. They are designed to want sex, quite frankly, and rightfully so. Sex, as many Christian thinkers would agree, is one of God’s most precious gift to us of the dust – and whatever He gives is good, and He takes it quite seriously. If you are asked out by a man and tell him that you’d love to go when, in your heart, you have no real desire to spend time with him, you’re selling him something that, ultimately, you have no intention of delivering. To have fun and to laugh and to make friends doesn’t require dating. Dating is the construct we utilize in our culture to provide a conduit to marriage – I highly doubt you would disagree. “Don’t date him unless you think you could possibly marry him,” is a common notion among conservative Christians, and it’s not an idea that’s wholly based on a motivation to protect us girls. It’s also meant to protect the men. Not to keep them from feeling rejection – which is not only an inevitable but an important part of becoming a man, just ask Jesus – but to keep them from feeling used. Yes, men can feel used, too. If girls believe guys aren’t asking them out because they’re scared, then quite frankly, I think they’re looking for the wrong kind of man. I hope my son learns at an early age that a woman worth having is one worth pursuing, and if he gets rejected, well, he’s in good company. And I hope that my daughters will know that if the guys aren’t asking them out, it could be their issue, not the men’s.

    1. I think the fundamental problem here is that women are saying no to men on the notion of “dont date him unless you can marry him” but how could you possibly know unless you actually go out on a date or teo with him? You may argue you can get to know him in a group setting, which certainly can be part of it, but it’s not the same as spending one on one time with a person. I’m not saying “lie to men”, im saying, “give good guys a chance.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *