I don’t want to live with her again.

“I currently have two roommates but only want to live with one of them next year.”
You’ve only been at school for half of a semester, but it’s already that time when students start discussing their living situation for next year.  If you are wondering how to tell your roommate you don’t want to live with her again read this. However, the college girl that wrote in this question has a few more specifics that I’ll let her explain herself.
“Dear Hanna, I currently have two roommates. We all get along well, but one of my roommates (we’ll call her roomies #1) just kind of bothers me. She’s always in the room; she isn’t very outgoing and, to be honest, I just don’t have that much fun with her. I want to live with my other roommates (roomie #2) next year because we get along great and have tons of fun, and we’ve already discuss that we will live together next year. However, i don’t know if roomie #2 wants to live with room #1 as well. I don’t want to be rude and suggest we ditch roomie #1, but I also don’t want to be stuck living with her next year.”



Well, at least you’re honest. I see this happen a lot of times and girls just agree to live with people that drive them crazy.  So let’s talk about a few ways this can go down.

1. It’s important to note that sometimes great friends can be horrible roommates.

I know that’s not the exact situation here, but I felt it necessary to start with that disclaimer.  In fact, most of the time, best friends aren’t the best roommates.  So, if you really enjoy being someone’s friend, but realize you aren’t very compatible roommates it’s okay to say that and to choose not to live together again for the sake of the friendship!  You just have to be honest and communicate your desire to stay friends.  Again, read this if you’re wondering how to bring the conversation up.

2. You’ve got to ask roommate #2 if she was planning on living with your other roommate, and especially if they have already talked about it.

We don’t know what you’re working with until you have heard from roomie #2 what she is thinking.  Don’t start the conversation with your agenda.  Simply ask her what she was planning.

3. If she says, “I don’t want to live with her either,” you need to let roomie #1 know ASAP.

You must do this in the kindest way possible.  Don’t gang up on her.  Don’t make her feel inferior.  But you also can’t lead her on or not bring up the situation until it’s late in the game.  Be upfront.  By not telling her or making secret plans behind her back, you are lying to her and hurting her.  Think about how you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed.

4. If she says, “Yes, I do want to live with her…” you have a decision to make.

You will need to carefully weigh your options and decide if living with roomie 2 is worth continuing to live with roomie 1.  If you decide to live with roomie 1 again, you will have to check your attitude.  Don’t set yourself up to be bitter or resentful towards roomie 1.  She hasn’t done anything to intentionally hurt or annoy you, so you can’t hold it over her head.  You are going to have to learn to let go, not let little things get under your skin, and treat her with kindness and respect.  Of course, your other option is to not live with either of them and find a new roommate.  What is not an option, in my opinion, is convincing roomie 2 to ditch 1.  That is manipulative and selfish.   Again, how would you feel if the roles were reversed?

Final Disclaimer: You don’t have to be best friends with your roommate.

Based on what you’ve told me above, it doesn’t sound like roomie 1 is a bad roommate, it just sounds like she isn’t someone who is going to be your best friend.  Sometimes, those are the best roommates!  If you each have your own room, who cares if she’s always in her room.  Not being “outgoing or fun” isn’t a great reason for choosing to not live with someone.  Now, if she is inconsiderate, a huge slob, mean-natured, etc… those are reasons to not live with someone.  I would encourage you to check your heart towards her and motivations for wanting to not live with her and consider what’s the right thing to do.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. [Philippians 2:3-4]