My friend is lying to me because she thinks I will judge her.


“I found out that a good friend has been lying to me about choices she’s recently made, because she thinks I’m going to be disappointed or judge her. I don’t want her to think that, but I’m really upset to hear she has been lying to me. I know I’m not in the right here, but what am I supposed to do?”

I’m going to start this off by making the huge assumption that you are not, in fact, a judgmental, look-down-your-nose-at-others kind of girl.  If you are, you know that you are and you shouldn’t be surprised by your friend’s behavior.  I’m not trying to be harsh but there is a difference in upholding your moral standards and encouraging others to do the same versus shaming people, judging them, and making them feel like they aren’t good enough for you.  At the end of the day, none of us are “good enough” for our Creator.  We have to remember to give everyone else the same grace Jesus has given you and me.  Does that mean not speaking up when you see a friend making a horrible decision or flat out living in disobedience to God?  No.  But there is a giant difference in doing that in a loving way rather than a judgmental one.

Enough of that.  I could go on all day.  So, assuming you are not that judgmental girl…

1. It is totally valid for you to be feeling the way you are feeling.

You said, “I know I’m not in the right.”  YES YOU ARE.  You’re never ‘in the wrong” when friends have lied to you.  You did NOTHING wrong.

2. When friends say that don’t want to tell you things because they are afraid you’ll “judge them” or “be disappointed”, they are completely projecting their own guilt on you.

People don’t want to tell you about their sin because it makes them feel guilty.  YOU don’t make them feel guilty.  It is their sin that makes them feel guilty.  If you are living a life striving to be obedient to Jesus, deep down, they know that is how they are supposed to be living.  You remind them of that by how you live and the values you uphold.  Hence, why they don’t want to tell you.  It sounds like your friend knows you will be kind of sad and disappointed hearing about whatever decisions she’s been making.  But the bottom line is that she doesn’t want to feel anymore shame and guilt than she is probably already fighting within herself.

3. You need to talk to your friend.

You need to kindly tell her that you have heard she is lying to you about things and that it hurts your feelings.  You need to tell her that you really care about her and hate that she would feel the need to lie to you.

4. It’s okay for us to tell our good friends when we think they are making bad decisions or, more importantly, living in flat out disobedience to God.

However, it has to always be communicated in love and out of care and concern for that person.  At the end of those conversations, I always make a point to tell my friend that I love her, am there for her, and will continue to be her friend through it all.  Those talks can be really hard, and sometimes they may even create a difficult season for your friendship. But, if it’s a deep friendship, 99% of the time, you both will only grow and mature from it.  And you’ll be better friends for it.

What do you think? Has ever happened to you before?  How did you handle it?