This guy is pursuing me & I’m not sure I’m into him.


“This guy is pursuing me and I’m not sure I’m into him.”

We’ve all been there.  For some of us, this is our norm.  We want the guys who ignore us and can’t conjure up attraction for the guys that actually do pursue.  So what’s a girl to do?

1. Give it a little time.  My rule of thumb has always been 1-3 dates.  If a guy has the guts to ask you out, I think he deserves a chance.  (Obviously there are always exceptions to this.  If you know something about him that is a legitimate deal breaker, fine, but generally I think we make up excuses rather than have legitimate reasons.)  I feel strongly about giving guys a chance, because way too many of us complain that guys don’t ask girls out.  So when they do, we need to respond positively.  If we always shoot guys down, we are only reinforcing their fear.  Let’s encourage our single men!

2. After 1-3 dates, assess your feelings.  Do you enjoy spending time with him?  Are you developing a friendship?  Do you have things to talk about?  Or do you dread when he calls?  Would you rather be spending your time doing something else?  I know this can be difficult because a lot of times we feel conflicted or solidly neutral.  If that’s the case…

3. Shoot him straight.  Tell him exactly what you are thinking or feeling.  Don’t mince words.  If you enjoy hanging around him but don’t feel any sort of attraction or romantic feelings towards him, tell him.  Now, I’ve learned this the hard way— most men will take this as a “keep trying”.  You may be great with that.  Or, if you’re like me, that will drive you crazy.  So tell him that too.  Be as honest and straight forward as possible.  You are honoring him by being truthful.  It may not feel like it, but it’s the kindest thing you can do.

I know this response is–perhaps– insultingly simple, but you’ve got to not stress about it.  Give him a chance, assess, and be honest.  I have done this many times–sometimes successfully, sometimes very poorly.  The bottom line: I always try to consider “how can I treat him with as much respect as possible?”  He deserves that. 

Side note: Resist the temptation of going down the “what if” path.   For example, “I don’t think I like him but what if this is the guy I’m supposed to marry?”  Relationships are all about timing.  I know too many stories of good friends who knew each other for 6+ years before they were ready to date one another.  Or friends who dated someone briefly, weren’t interested, and then reconnected years later to realize they were actually a great match.  You cannot stress over this.  Trust your gut right now and treat him with as much respect and kindness as possible.

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