I thought I would marry him.

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“I thought I would marry him.”

Actually there have been 3 him(s).

1. The College Boyfriend.

To this day I thank Jesus I didn’t marry that boy. He broke up with me the end of my junior year of college and it was a GOD-sized intervention. I would never have broken up with him. I was determined to marry him. Partly because I thought that was how it was supposed to happen. You went to college, dated a boy, and married him. Partly because we crossed many physical boundaries that I was determined to “right” by marriage. I was 21.

2. The One Night Stand.

Okay, this wasn’t a literal one night stand, but I met a guy at a wedding and remember coming home to my best friend and parents saying, “I think I met the guy I’m going to marry.” Guess what happened? He never called. I mean, I didn’t even DATE that guy, I just got caught up in some crazy chic-flick plot where I thought I fell in love one night while two-stepping on a dance floor. I was 25.

3. The BF/BF (Bestfriend/Boyfriend).

We had been good friends for 2 years. I patiently (and sometimes not-so-patiently) waited for him to get a clue and realize he was dying to date me and make me his girlfriend. He finally did. And I thought that was it. So did everyone around me. We seemed like a perfect fit. Now, I know you are a smart person and know where this is going. He broke up with me. I was 28.

I thought I would marry him. Not one time, not even two times, but THREE times, I thought I had found my lets-have-an-awesome-life-together partner.

Why am I telling you this? Lord knows I don’t want to be posting this on the world wide web.

I’m telling you this because I keep hearing this story from other girls’ mouths. I keep hearing the same story, “I thought he was The One….BUT….” and then, every one of us feels like a certifiable crazy person.

I didn’t feel as crazy with The College Boyfriend. I was definitely confused, but I didn’t feel crazy. I felt lock-me-up-in-an-insane-assylum-right-this-freaking-moment CRAZY MAKER with the One Night Stand. I mean, really, “how could I have been a bigger idiot?” (I often repeated to myself.) I felt shame, deep sad shame, when The BF/BF didn’t work out. Three times. Three very wrongs.

Now, listen very closely, because I need you to hear what I am about to say or all that I wrote above just goes into the “Hanna embarrasses herself for no good reason” box. Are you paying attention?

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

I know you feel like it, but you are not. It’s not crazy to be dating someone and hope you marry him. It’s not crazy to have hopes of marriage, hope for a life partner who you can share all the highs and lows with. You are not crazy. You have been wired to desire human connection. It is totally normal for you to desire marriage, one type of human connection. (One that God designed, I might add.) It’s okay for you to want those things and it’s okay when you thought a relationship would work but it doesn’t. You are not crazy.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I told you about my three “I thought I’d marry him(s)”, because I need you to believe that you are not alone. Those of you who know me, know that I am a pretty level-headed, take-life-as-it-comes girl. I don’t know what color my bridesmaids will wear; I have no clue what type of wedding dress I’ll want; I actually can’t even imagine having a wedding. I have never fantasized about any of those things. I don’t meet guys and immediately wonder if they’ll be my husband. My brain just doesn’t wander there. But I still hope to get married some day. And therefore, some times (three times to be exact), I genuinely thought I had found the guy I would marry. So you’ve been wrong, I’ve definitely been wrong, and –oh– there are about a bazillion other women who also fall into this category.

IT’S OKAY TO BE WRONG.

This has always been the hardest part for me. If I was wrong, well first- I’m embarrassed to be wrong. I actually hate being wrong. And that somewhere probably loops back around to me feeling crazy. But more importantly, if I was wrong, how could I ever trust my heart/gut/intuition again? If I thought I would marry The BF/BF and was wrong, why would it be safe for me to date again? I was obviously wrong and therefore cannot be trusted to make any sort of decision on romantic feelings. RIGHT?! Of course, not.

It’s okay to be wrong. Life doesn’t always rarely goes the way we plan. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re not to be trusted, it just means life didn’t happen the way you thought or planned. Once again, let’s join the other bazillion women (and men) that fall into that category. Also, let’s remember we have a Sovereign God who is in control all the time, is in every intimate detail of your life, and loves you more than you can comprehend. If you can’t trust yourself because you’ve been wrong one (two or three, ahem) too many times, trust HIM. He’s got you.

So you thought you’d marry him but it didn’t work out. It’s okay. You are not crazy; you are not alone; and it’s totally okay to be wrong. I promise.

11 thoughts on “I thought I would marry him.”

  1. This is fabulous…I love you for being so transparent and putting yourself out there ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m not sure I know any women who haven’t been in this place at some point in time! If I may add something from a married girl’s perspective…keep in mind that being wrong can help you figure out a) what a true godly man looks like and b) what character traits are important to you in a spouse (because it’s not the same for everyone, and sometimes you don’t know until you’ve dated someone). The only thing I regret from my pre-hubby relationships is the physical stuff, and even then I look back and see God’s hand of protection because it could have been a lot worse. God is so good to us…He takes our wrongs and redeems them so that we can learn and be more like Him, and ultimately to glorify Himself! And that’s a message that is important in every area of life!

    1. Amen and amen. I couldn’t have said that any better. And thanks for the kind words! It’s terrifying being so transparent, but like you said–every girl/woman has experienced this and I just want to normalize the experience for others. It really is okay. And just like you said, God redeems it all. Thanks LC! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. This is so amazing and funny. You are absolutely right. You know back in the last year of high school, I thought I would marry a classmate I had a crush on even if he had no idea that I did. Then, I thought I would marry my ex-boyfriend, who broke up with me because he didn’t think we had a future along with thinking I was not pretty enough to be his wife. And then I thought I would marry a classmate at my university because I felt ‘my soul was attracted to him’. Ha!

    And I am so over each one of them. Because yes, it is okay to be wrong. And I haven’t stopped trusting myself.

    “I told you about my three — I thought Iโ€™d marry him(s)” made me laugh out loud. Him(s)!! Haha!

  3. I needed to read this, thank you for writing about this. I do feel crazy sometimes. And foolish for even thinking it. I think it’s okay to acknowledge to myself that he COULD be someone I would marry. I am gradually acknowledging though that he can’t be the “One” if he doesn’t want to marry me.

    1. Totally. And, as my college small group leader used to say, it only takes ONE. So all the other relationships are supposed to not work out, only 1 should be successful.

  4. Great post. Love hearing the perspective the Lord has blessed you with on some of these situations and how you’re using it to minister to others. Also, I hate being wrong too. Hate it.
    ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Love this courageous post. Let’s all practice saying it together, “I could be wrong.” Sometimes my mouth just can’t make those sounds. It is so right to be able to say this fast and fluidly. When my lips make these sounds, grace fills up my heart.

  6. Hi Hannah!
    I’m not sure if we ever met, but I lived in Slovenia and am best friends with Gwynne. ๐Ÿ™‚ She sent me this blog post and it has been such a good read for me. Thank you for your honest words. It’s encouraged me to write honestly myself. I appreciate your transparency!

  7. Pingback: To my friends that are hurting and the people that surround them. | shaunanoellekopra

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